The hidden dangers of eating soup

We all know how wonderful eating soup can be: It’s cheap, your jaw gets a rest from the arduous chewing exercise during your Kellog’s breakfast and once the warm liquid fills your potbelly of prosperity, you know that once again, you were at the right time at the right place: The abundant kitchen.

Don’t be fooled: A new study revealed that this experience is not as healthy as the full line of your ancestors tried to convince you of.

The scientists had a control group of 5000 young college students who ate soup for three years everyday, funded by the Institute Of Soup Logistics. Initially, the lobby group around this institute wanted to prove the health benefits of the product, but when the results had been evaluated, there was no further incentive. 150 of the students died immediately after the first soup, the rest of them slowly one after the other over the following three years. What has been so remarkable about this study is that no one except for the leading scientist found out about the cause of this toll:

Eating soup is basically nothing different than a grown up falling back into the oral stage. The description of ‚eating‘ is wrong – it has been shown in different experiments that most people don’t use their jaw for chewing, but that they suck in the soup, some also sip or even slurp with hideous noises, that reveal its actor only by their regularity: No, not a toddler – although in some cases, the scientist had a hard time of differentiating – but a full grown adult.

Now here comes the second problem that causes the human body to hijack itself: Chewing normally activates certain Neurons in the front cortex of the brain which then send out signals to the digestive system. Then the digestive system can fully extricate the vitamins and minerals from the soup. But since most people don’t chew, the digestive system doesn’t only stay inactivated, but it begins to eat itself. What sounds like a lie is actually visualised as such: The small cells of the colon wrinkle away, the soup then attacks the unprotected skin and the cells start dissolving. Through the dissolving process, the cells start to ‚eat‘ other cells and voila – that’s the end.

The complex problem that eating soup inhibits has been unknown for decades because the professor who found out about it in 1830 died when eating the last soup he promised himself as a consolation about his newfound discovery.

Herein lies another truth: When you find out that eating soup is dangerous, and you think that your body will surely tackle one last soup – as a means of saying goodbye to the unintelligible soup culture of hip European cities – you’re going to die. Your brain knows that it’s bad, and once this door of perception has been opened, there’s just no coming back. You just haven’t died of it yet because you didn’t know about it.

That’s why it’s always best to look the other way when you hear something you don’t want to know about. Close your eyes before the dragon can look into you – and you’re going to be safe and sound for the rest of your life.

If you want to continue eating soup, please consider visiting a hypnotist who makes you forget about this article and his exorbitant prices for the procedure.

Also note that lentils soup is especially bad because it contains too much iron. Or too much irony. Not sure.

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